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Wednesday, 24 August 2011


I have been thinking lately about why I am doing this...why do I feel the need to change my habits, attitude(s), perceptions, knowledge...etc...why?

Well, that's a long story, and that long story is exactly why. My life so far has been a full one. Full of experiences that perhaps, just perhaps, I have thought I would rather not have had. However, part of this process has been about embracing all of those experiences, no matter how difficult, and understanding that I am whole, complete and perfect...right now, just the way I am.

I have come to a place of understanding. I experienced horrible things in my childhood...abuse, neglect, abandonment....you name it. I had a really hard time even admitting that some of the choices made on my behalf were really not in my best interest...as a child. What I have come to understand is, there are no "enemies", no places to assign blame, no "bad guys"....once I let go of my need to make it all someone elses fault, I was able to embrace my childhood and forgive those who made choices that in the end, harmed me. I understand that the adults in my life were also wounded, and I do believe they did the best they could. That is how I was able to forgive.

For me, forgiveness does not mean that I accept that what happened was okay, it wasn't okay. Forgiveness means that I am able to move on, step into my power and own it. When I was a child, I didn't have a voice or the ability to change my circumstances. I was given a set of values, beliefs and rules to follow, and was expected to do so without question. Now, I have a voice. I own my power. I decide if those values, beliefs and rules are for me. Some of those old stories still ring true, and many do not. It is all up to me. Forgiveness means that I am ready and willing to stand in my power...to decide, to learn, to live, to use my voice...stepping into my power means I live my life full on, no more hiding. Forgiveness means I am sticking up for that scared, lonely, rejected and abandoned child. Every time I take another step forward I am telling her "you are worth it, I love you".  Forgiveness means I do not allow the past to rule my future. Forgiveness means I have faith...it means that the Universe always seeks balance, and I don't have to punish anyone for anything. I don't need retribution to feel like balance has been achieved. Forgiveness for me means freedom.

Now I am in a place in my life that is filled with exciting opportunities. We can always have a "do-over" any time we choose, the important thing is to choose. So, here I am, reinventing myself for perhaps the hundredth time...but really, I am not re-inventing myself as much as I am returning...it feels like a homecoming. I am coming home to myself.

Along the way I learned something interesting about shame and guilt.  I have learned that guilt is something associated with the belief that I have done something wrong. Shame however, is associated with the belief that something is wrong with me. I am learning to let go of the shame, it doesn't belong to me, it never did. Shame is toxic. I have nothing to feel shamed about. I am learning to respond to guilt by changing. If I feel guilty about something, it means that I did something in a way that is incongruent with my stated values (reacting instead of responding perhaps?). Therefore, I have an ethical obligation to myself to respond. And then we come back to forgiveness...because forgiveness supports me to respond to situations in my life rather than just reacting.  I am responsible for my life. Responsibility is the ability to respond.

I know this sounds like a walk in the park rather than a lifelong commitment to continue this journey. This journey is clearly not about a destination...for me, it is all about the journey. What happens along the way is what I focus on. It is really challenging at times, to continue to have faith, put one foot in front of the other, when the path is bumpy, has roadblocks, and visibility is low. Sometimes the next step is all I can manage.

This isn't all about food, but it is all about food....if that makes any sense. My relationship with food is at times entangled, often interwoven with issues that remained long after the childhood trauma ended. Food became my comfort, solace, reward, centre of activity, the way I stuffed the emotions, the way I shut myself up and off. I didn't see my relationship with food in a health supportive way. I didn't see food as something I could partner with to achieve good Goddess health.  Food was what I used to fill the void. When I was working on my relationship with tobacco and alcohol, I used food to fill the void left when those substances were gone. I spent much of my life looking to become comfortably numb. I became involved in relationships that re-enacted the traumas from childhood. I was drawn to the familiar. I used food to cope. I did not eat to live, I lived to eat. I drowned that little girl inside with fabulous "treats" to make up for every single deprivation she survived, and to make her voice so small that I almost couldn't hear her. But she is a strong little girl, I can hear her, and I am finally learning to respond. She is me, and we want the same thing...live fully, squeezing as much as possible out of every single moment.

Wishing you good Goddess health....


  1. What an amazing journey you are on, Through it all I know you are finding that you are loved, by many. You are beautiful, inspiring intelligent and again very loved. Just remind that little girl you are living her life, it is amazing and you love it! <3

  2. What wonderful words! Thank you, I know they are heartfelt and sincere. I continue to be inspired by your open acceptance of who I am...